<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Living with sadness. by Alilliex</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28868670">Living with sadness.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alilliex/pseuds/Alilliex'>Alilliex</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Complicated Relationships, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Multi, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Yaoi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-20 22:49:20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>13,043</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28868670</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alilliex/pseuds/Alilliex</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Hinata struggles with self-harm and his self-confidence. Will the others be able to help him? </p><p> </p><p>(I suck at summaries)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>22</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Will this be the end or the beginning?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I look down at the fresh cuts laying parallel on my wrists. Dug deep enough for small droplets of blood to form, but shallow enough that it wasn’t a flow of blood. I went overboard this time, too spread out, unlike usual when I’d condense it to a smaller area so my bracelets could hide it. This time, however, there was no way my bracelets would hide all this. I knew getting through school would be fine. Our uniform had long sleeves and it’s not really weird to wear a sweater during class, but during practice, I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. Perhaps if I moved around a lot they’d be blurred, and no one would notice? Maybe I use a little bit of my mom’s makeup to try to hide the redness at least? I sat down on my bed with my hands wringing through my hair thinking of ideas of how to hide them. There was no way I could let the others see this, what would they say? Would they be disappointed? No, I can’t handle disappointing them on top of everything else right now. I need to focus and find a way to hide them. I could wear my sweater during practice, but that would be weird right? I never do that. Maybe I tell them I “forgot” my shirt today, but if I don’t roll my sleeves up for receives, would they get suspicious? </p><p>Falling backward onto my bed, I pulled at my hair crying over the shame I felt with the idea of the team finding out. Kageyama and Tsukishima would just look down on me like they’re better than me... and let’s be honest, they are. Sugawara, Daichi, and Asahi will probably be worried at first, but then I know the disappointment would become evident on their faces at how worthless I am... and there’s no way I’d be able to survive that, especially when I sometimes question how I’ve survived this long. Yamaguchi might be genuinely worried, but the second he notices Tsukishima’s reaction, I know his reaction would become the same... he looks up to him and respects him after all. Tanaka and Nishinoya would probably just laugh, I know they’re good guys, but they aren’t particularly good when it comes to serious matters outside of volleyball.</p><p>I messed up, I seriously messed up going overboard... no matter how good it felt. </p><p>Standing back up, I walked to the full body mirror in my room. I looked at myself up and down until my silent tears turn into sobs. I’m so worthless... no matter how much I give, someone is always better, always taller, always ahead of me. Especially Kageyama. It’s like I’m running, but the scenery never changes, just the distance ahead of me Kageyama is, each time it’s further. There was once... one time when we first learned the super quick attack that I thought I could reach out to grab him, but then he just ran further ahead again. There hasn’t been another time yet that I’ve gotten that close. All I want is to be someone to be proud of, I want someone to be proud of me, but I can’t even be proud of myself so why would I expect anyone else to be?</p><p>I squeezed my hands into fists, the tension caused my wounds to pull back open a bit allowing fresh droplets of blood to form. Looking at them, then back at the mess I am in the mirror, I grabbed my blade and began to dig deeper into the already drawn lines. I can’t add any more, I’m already going to have a hard time hiding them, but the ones that are already there... I can make them worse. </p><p>- The Next Day -<br/>
*Alarm Noise*<br/>
I groggily open my eyes and turn off my alarm. Time for morning practice and I still haven’t figured out a way to hide my wrist. I stayed up over half the night trying to think of ways, the only plan I could think of was putting a band-aid on it and telling them I burned my arm while I was helping my mom cook. I don’t actually think they’ll believe me, but that’s the best plan I’ve got right now. I climb out of bed, put on my uniform, and place my backpack and gym bag in the hall while I go to the bathroom to brush my hair and teeth. The bags under my eyes have gotten darker and it looks like my face has gotten skinnier too. That’s no surprise though with how little food I can keep down anymore and with how much we practice, I just run all the calories off instantly. It’s okay though, I’m still able to maintain a façade of my old level of energy - even though I don’t contain even half that anymore. </p><p>Grabbing my bags, I head out the front door, grab my bike and begin the uphill ride to Karusano High School. </p><p>When I arrived, Kageyama had just gotten there as well. He glared at me and then he took off trying to race me. I let him go, I needed to save whatever fake energy I had for practice. There’s no way I could use it now and keep up all day.</p><p>“BOKE HINATA BOKE. WHY THE HELL DIDN’T YOU RACE AFTER ME”. Why Kageyama? Because I’m so tired I hardly have the energy to look at you right now. </p><p>“Sorry Kageyama, I didn’t sleep well last night”. That’s not a total lie, but it’s not the total truth either. </p><p>“Well, whatever, I won. Let’s get ready for practice”. I’m glad he didn’t pry much further into it.</p><p>“Good Morning Everyone”, we both said as we entered the club room. </p><p>“Good Morning Hinata, Kageyama”, they all replied. I walked over to the bag storage area in the club room and began changing for practice. I hesitated as I began to change, I have to take my sweater off now. I had this; I practiced the entire ride up the hill how to tell them what happened. I even decided on what we were “making” and exactly how I spilled it on myself in case they started asking questions. I can do this. I. Can. Do. This. I ripped my sweater off as fast as I could without any suspicion to get it over with. Kageyama looked down to say something to me for a minute but then stopped. Did he see the band-aid? Does he know the truth? No. How would he know the truth? There’s no way, right? It’s got to be something else. I look down at the band-aid to check that I covered all the cuts. I did, thank goodness. There’s a little spot of blood on it though, I hope they don’t mind much attention to it... </p><p>“Hey…Hinata?”, Kageyama’s voice was soft, like I was the only one meant to hear it. </p><p>“Hm, Kageyama?” Keeping a calm composure is nearly impossible in this situation, I could feel my voice quiver. There’s no way. I feel like I’m sweating through my clothes and practice hasn’t even started yet! </p><p>“Um, this might seem odd.” Crap, here it comes. He’s got me figured out; I can’t do this. Not if he knows. “But, could I stay over tonight?” Wait, WHAT? </p><p>“Wha- What? Why?” So, does this have nothing to do with me? Oh, my goodness, that’s a load off. </p><p>“Um, it’s a long weekend and I thought that it’d be nice to practice with you and since I live so far away it’d be easier for me to stay?” The tips of his ears are turning red, is he embarrassed!? </p><p>“Oh, um, Y-yeah sure Kageyama!” Crap, Natsu and mom are going out of town this weekend, so I was going to use this weekend alone to... no never mind. This is fine. This is good. It’ll help me take my mind off things. </p><p>“O-okay. I’ll head home right after practice to get my stuff and then head over. Is that alright?” Man, Kageyama sure is acting weird right now. </p><p>“Sure Kageyama!” I said putting in the same energy as I used to is so hard, but I’ve got to make sure no one finds out, “that’s fine with me!” They’d be so disgusted if they knew how I’d changed... </p><p>Morning practice went on pretty easily actually. Sugawara asked about my arm, and I told him the lie I came up with and he believed it! I couldn’t believe that he fell for it, I was sure he could see right through me, but he just told me to be careful next time and then no one else said anything about it. It was such a relief. </p><p>Classes went by fine too, no one noticed anything, even when I kept itching it. It’s the worst when they get itchy because the only thing to fix them is to trace them deeper but they’re always itchy at times when I can’t do that. </p><p>Afternoon practice, however, didn’t go as smoothly as I’d hoped for. I was starting to wear out as I hadn’t had a meal that day yet - I usually try to eat at home so my parents don’t know that I’m not eating more than one meal a day - and it felt like everyone could tell. Putting that aside, I pushed through, that is until the sweat off my body and constant receives weakened the adhesive on my band-aid and part came off, showing the delicate parallel lines traced along my wrist. </p><p>“Hi…Hinata...” Kageyama’s face screamed pity. </p><p>“What?” The look of pity made me so mad that my body got even hotter, I stared at him expecting him to say something about my form, or being slow, or not good enough, but that wasn’t what I was met with.</p><p>“Your- Your band-aid... your arm...” Kageyama hesitated. No, no, no, no, NO! This can’t be. I look down and saw my cuts exposed for all to see. Everyone was looking at me. How did they notice so quickly? The Band-Aid couldn’t have fallen off too long ago! I could feel their eyes on me still even though I was just continued staring at my arm in deep terrifying fear. </p><p>“Hinata-”, Both Daichi and Sugawara started as they walked towards me cautiously. No, I’m not listening. I can already hear the disappointment in their voices. No. No. I can’t. I can’t do this. I-I can’t. I finally looked back up at Kageyama and noticed that tears had begun to fall from his eyes. What, why? No, no... and with that, I ran.</p><p> I could hear the others yell for me but there was no way that I could stop and turn around. I didn’t even stop to grab my stuff from the club room, I just ran to my bike and began the downhill ride home. </p><p>As I rode, tears swelled in my eyes, by the time I arrived home, I could hardly see anymore. I managed to get to my room, thankfully and locked it behind me as I crouched down against the door burying my face in my hands sobbing. I can’t go back to practice. I can’t. Not now that they know. I have to drop out, transfer schools, something. I can’t see them anymore! </p><p>After a few moments of spiraling, I crawled over to my mirror and sat in front of it. I looked at what I had become. Dark bags under my eyes, you could see my collarbones and ribs protruding from my skin. I looked down at my arm, to see the freshly scabbed over cuts as well as the faint scars of the old ones. Those scars weren’t only on my wrist, they covered my body anywhere I thought I could hide them. Just... it always felt better when I’d do it on my wrist... I stared at them for what felt like thirty minutes and then I grabbed the blade from the drawer it was hidden in. No one’s home. It’s now or never.</p><p>I looked down and saw how faint the new cut had been. I’m too scared I whimpered to myself in the mirror. So scared. I pulled out a bottle from the same drawer that the blade was hidden in. Sake. Not just that, but the cheapest and strongest you can find. Thank goodness for having friends with older siblings. I took a deep breath while opening the bottle. Perhaps this will help me feel less scared. I took the first sip. Crap this is gross. I took another breath, I don’t care how gross, finish it. So, I did exactly that. </p><p>I finished the bottle. At first, I felt a little weird and tasted really gross, but then it wasn’t too bad, and after that, I don’t remember much. It just feels like a vague memory. I know I picked the blade back up, shaking, I pushed it down onto my wrist. I remember that no matter how hard I pushed I couldn’t feel the pressure against my wrist, so I began to glide it. I remember a pinch and then after that, I didn’t feel anything at all. I repeated the process a total of three times. Three deep gashes were lined across my wrist, I barely remember watching as I had finally achieved a beautiful flow of blood leaving my veins. What I don’t remember, however, is texting the volleyball group chat. </p><p>~Hinata: Guys. ~<br/>
~Kageyama: Hinata! Are you okay? ~<br/>
~Sugawara: Hinata, we’re here for you whenever you’re ready~<br/>
~Nishinoya: I’m not really good with feelings, but I can help you distract yourself from the feelings!<br/>
~Tanaka: Yeah dude, your senpais are always here for you!<br/>
~Tsukishima: Don’t do anything stupid.<br/>
~Sugawara: Can you have a little more tact at this moment Tsukishima?<br/>
~Hinata: Kaaaa Kageyamaaa I lve yo. I sorri I donttt say. Goooodbyyyeeee evryon~<br/>
~Kageyama: HINATA?! What do you mean goodbye? ~<br/>
~Sugawara: Hinata, where are you?<br/>
~Daichi: Hinata are you safe?<br/>
~Hinata: I’m scarddddd~<br/>
~Kageyama: scar? Or scared? ~<br/>
~Hinata: P p plese hlp me...~<br/>
~Hinata: *send very shaky photo of the blood flowing down his arm~<br/>
~Yamaguichi: What’s happening right now?<br/>
~Nishinoya: Uh, Hinata?<br/>
~Asahi: Please be okay…<br/>
~Sugawara: does anyone know where he lives?<br/>
~Kageyama: I do.<br/>
~Sugawara: Let’s go check his house Kageyama. Everyone else, start looking for him nearby.<br/>
~Daichi: I’m worried about him </p><p>Sitting on the floor leaning against my bed I watched myself in the mirror. I saw the disgusting, worthless, disappointment I had become, and then black spots began flowing around and eventually I closed my eyes. That was the last clear thing I remember. However, at some point, I do have a vague memory of seeing the door to my bedroom open and Kageyama standing there. I couldn’t see the look on his face, but I whispered, “I’m sorry”.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Recovery is not a straight line.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>-	Two Days Later -<br/>
As I opened my eyes, I was blinded by a bright fluorescent light and a steady beeping noise. As my eyes adjusted, I looked around. A hospital? How did I get here? I continued taking in my surroundings when I realized that someone was asleep beside me. </p>
<p>Kageyama? What is he doing here? </p>
<p>“Ka-Kageyama?” My voice cracked and came out barely as a whisper, but even with soft I spoke, Kageyama’s head jolted up as though he was struck by lightning. </p>
<p>“HINATA?!” It felt like his voice echoed in this empty room. </p>
<p>“Kageyama... What am I doing here?” I looked down, saw my wrist bandaged up, and realized – oh, so I failed, wonderful. “What are YOU doing here?</p>
<p>“Hinata? Hinata, You’re awake, oh my god you’re awake!” His words sounded full of pain and relief, while the look on his face was one, I’d only seen after losing a game before. Tears brimmed his eyes, waiting for a reason to burst. </p>
<p>“I... I failed... didn’t I Kageyama? I shouldn’t be here.” I thought I had finally rid myself of the misery I felt, but right now it was even higher than before. </p>
<p>“NO!” His voice boomed, “We saved you. Me, Coach Ukai, and Sugawara. We did everything we could to make sure you were safe, to make sure you survived. Be-because we NEED you Hinata! I need you...” He… he needs me? Did the king actually just say that he needed… me? He must be talking about volleyball since I’m the only one who can do the quick attack. There’s no reason for him to mean anything else…</p>
<p>“I- I’m sorry...” He cut me off. </p>
<p>“No! You don’t need to say sorry! We-....” </p>
<p>“Kageyama, I wasn’t done talking.” It felts as though a knot was forming in the back of my throat. “I’m sorry that you went through all that trouble, because… because I wish you hadn’t saved me...” That did it, the tears that Kageyama was holding back burst, and the ones I didn’t know I had left begun to flow. </p>
<p>“Wha- what? D-don’t say that Hi-Hinata.” His voice quivered as he said that. Pain seemed to be oozing out of him. I’m sorry I’ve put you through this Kageyama. It would have been better if you would have left me there, it would have been easier.</p>
<p>“I- I don’t want to be here,” I choked on every word. “I wanted to die, I WANT to die” I mean it, “I don’t want to be here anymore Kageyama... and... and I don’t know if I could ever get rid of this feeling. It’s been swallowing me whole for so long now and I don’t see any escape... I can’t find one, I can’t... I tried... so hard Kageyama, but there was never anything… and… I can’t even give you a pinpoint reason to why I feel this way, why I am so miserable, but… but it’s suffocating, I can hardly feel anymore…” </p>
<p>Why was I spilling my guts to him? He’s my rival, isn’t he? He doesn’t care, all he wants is me to get better so I can play volleyball. I want to play volleyball too, but what’s the point when I can’t even find enjoyment in that anymore...</p>
<p>“Hi-Hinata...” Both our eyes were filled with tears as the doctor walked in and Kageyama was cut off. The doctor asked Kageyama to leave the room so they could do some blood work and tests on me since I just woke up. As he left, he told me the others were in the waiting room and when they were allowed back in, he’d send everyone in to see me. I wanted to tell him no, I don’t want to see everyone. I don’t want to see the disappointment in their eyes, the pain and pity in their voices. His was hard enough, let alone the whole team, but before I could get a word out, he was gone. </p>
<p>The tests went fine, the doctor said that they were going to give me some antidepressants for my severe depression, some pain killers for my wrist while it heals and that I had to lay off physical activity until my cuts fully healed to ensure they don’t rip open. In a few days, I’d be free to go home.</p>
<p>Home. I wonder if my room is the same as it was. Dark, damp, messy, and now... soaked with blood from this failed attempt. I hope Natsu didn’t see it... My thoughts were stopped by a knock at the door. Sugawara was the first to enter, followed by Daichi and the rest of the team, everyone except Kageyama... </p>
<p>“Hinata!” Sugawara shouted and then ran over to hug me. “Why didn’t you tell us you were suffering, we could have helped...” he whispered in my ear, as to not draw more attention to me. All I could do was whisper that I was sorry. </p>
<p>He pulled away and patted my head. For some reason, I always got a sense of security from Sugawara when he did that. I got berated by many other hugs from the team afterward. They all stood around me talking about stuff I’ve missed over the past few days while trying to cheer me up. It was a nice gesture, so I put on a fake smile, so I didn’t disappoint them further. After a little over an hour, everyone had to get home, so they started heading out. Sugawara was the last to go.</p>
<p>“Hinata,” he said as he grabbed my hand “I want you to know from now on that we’re all here for you. We might have messed up by not noticing the pain you were in before, but from now on I promise we won’t miss the signs. We almost lost you Hinata, and none of us would be the same without you.” </p>
<p>I looked at him as he spoke. His words... they weren’t full of pity or disappointment... they were full of love and worry. “Also, I should tell you because I know he won’t, Kageyama has been here at the hospital since that night. He hasn’t left even once; he was so broken at the thought that you wouldn’t wake up he did the only thing he could think of to help and that was to stay by your side.” As he finished his sentence, Daichi poked his head in the door and motioned for Sugawara to follow wind. “Anyway, I should get going. See you soon Hinata!” </p>
<p>“Sugawara!” I shouted but my voice was still weak, “Will... will you ask Kageyama to come back in?” I was still in shock at what he told me, but I felt that Kageyama and I still needed to talk about it earlier. Sugawara looked back at me, gave me a smile, and nodded his head then left. Kageyama stayed with me the entire time... not leaving to shower? For practice? For school? Nothing... Why, why would he do that? I... I don’t understand...</p>
<p>A soft knock landed on the door. “Hinata?” Kageyama peeked his head in, almost to make sure this was the right room. His eyes were bloodshot, his face blotchy, had he been crying since he left my room earlier? </p>
<p>“Ka-Kageyama?” I don’t know what to say to him right now. I already told him I wish he hadn’t saved me, that I wished I had died...and I still do... but why do I feel so glad that Kageyama is here with me right now? </p>
<p>“How-how are you feeling?” What a dumb question Bakayama, I’m sitting in a hospital bed. </p>
<p>“Uh, I’ve... been better... Will-will you sit with me?” My voice hesitated there. My mind began spiraling down a hole. What am I scared of? Him saying no? Don’t I want to be alone? No... no, I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to be alone ever again. The weight of Kageyama sitting on the bed next to me snapped me out of thought. </p>
<p>“Hi-Hinata... I know right now might be bad timing, but - but the scare of almost losing you made me realize that I really care about you, and - and I don’t want you to leave me... I... I like you Hinata... as more than just a friend...” His voice, so soft and yet so assertive. It left no room for doubt in his words, he meant them. </p>
<p>“Kageyama... will-will you stay with me? I... I don’t want to be alone anymore... I-I can’t take this darkness much longer before I’m swallowed up like last time, it’s already starting to surround me again... I need someone next to me to be my guiding light so I can try to get better... I- I need you...” What did I just say? I need him? I’ve never really thought of it before, but the words just came out of my mouth like they were natural, something I’ve said a million times before - however, there was also fear behind those words. Fear of rejection. I wouldn’t make it out of this if he rejected me, I know the second attempt would be successful if he rejected me... but if he accepts me... maybe there won’t be a second attempt? If he accepts me, what will happen to him if there is a second attempt? I still want to die, I want to break out of here right now and try again, what will he do if that happens even after I asked him to be my guiding light? “wa-wait, I did-didn’t mean-“ </p>
<p>I was shaken out of my spiraling thoughts by Kageyama hugging me as tightly as he could without hurting me. </p>
<p>“Hinata. Hinata.” He paused for a breath, “I’m here, I’ll be here no matter what it is you need. I’m not going anywhere.” He was sobbing, but it felt different from before. This felt like there had been a weight lifted off him, for me however this mixed feeling shook me to the core. It was both a weight being lifted because I knew I wasn’t alone, but also more weight added because what would he do if I tried again and succeeded? </p>
<p>As he let me out of the hug, I watched him wiping away the tears that had filled his eyes. Even though I still wasn’t out of this darkness, I could feel like the light was finally beginning to shine through again. </p>
<p>I spent the next few days in the hospital after that because they wanted to keep me under surveillance, the team showed up each day to check up on me. It really made me happy to see how much they actually cared for me. It was nothing like I thought it would be in my head. They didn’t pity me, they didn’t laugh at me, they just cared about me. Trying to make me laugh every opportunity they could while they visited, it was really… calming. </p>
<p>The day they released me, Kageyama came to the hospital alone and helped me get home. He asked if he could spend the night with me, I couldn’t find a reason to say no, so he stayed. I could tell it was just to make sure I was going to be alright… was I alright? </p>
<p>I had to go back to the place my life almost ended, it was probably still covered in blood from that night. Crap… my mind is racing again, suffocating me. My breathing is becoming shallow, my chest tightening, I have to get this under control. Suddenly, as my breathing was failing me, I felt a weight against my back and arms wrapped around my chest – Kageyama? </p>
<p>“You looked like you were starting to have a panic attack Hinata, I… I wasn’t sure what to do so I thought that I would hug you?” his voice was soft, and the weight of his hug actually made me snap out of the anxiety.</p>
<p>“Th-thank you, Kageyama…” I lowered my head and focused on the steps I was taking. As we rounded the corner to my house, I tried my best to hold myself together. I had to face it, face the place that the thoughts lingered in the air. I’m not alone, Kageyama is with me, I can do this. I walked into the house to the smell of ripe tangerines in the air, moms’ favorite scent. </p>
<p>Mom and Natsu were out of town visiting grandma for the week so the house was a bit chilly or empty, is a better word. I walked upstairs to my room and stood in front of the door. I took a deep breath as I tried to keep myself grounded. I closed my eyes and opened the door, not prepared for the sight I left behind. Peeking a single eye open to look at my room – wait, it’s clean? I looked around for a while to make sure that my eyes weren’t deceiving me when Kageyama appeared behind me with two glasses of water.</p>
<p>“Uhm, me and the guys thought it would be a good idea to clean up your room for you… so… so you didn’t have to see it… I- I hope that’s okay?” I looked back at him, his face was red, but it also looked so sad… </p>
<p>“Oh… um… thank you, Kageyama. I really appreciate it...” I really did, there’s no way I could have cleaned that up without breaking down. I was actually really thankful but also a little embarrassed – I wonder how they feel after doing that… “Kageyama, um… are you okay after… after cleaning it up?” </p>
<p>“Huh? Oh… I mean it was kind of sad… it definitely made us cry a few times… but you-you’re okay and that’s all that really matter to us” </p>
<p>“Hm, thank you Kageyama…” I’m okay? I might be for now, but I’m definitely not as okay as they might think I am. </p>
<p>“Hey, it’s getting late. We should get some sleep.” He was so bashful saying that, it was sweet almost. </p>
<p>“Oh-Okay, but I want the outside, so you have to sleep on the inside of the bed” Please don’t fight me on this Kageyama. </p>
<p>“That’s fine, Hinata. Um, are you sure it’s okay if I share the bed with you?” This side of Kageyama was something I haven’t really seen often before. It was strange but also calming. </p>
<p>“It’s fine, I don’t mind.’ So, we laid down. I waited for a while, to make sure that Kageyama was actually asleep and then I grabbed a blade from one of my hiding places and snuck off to the bathroom. </p>
<p>I stared at myself in the mirror for a while, and then leaned back against the wall and slid down to the floor. I stared at my wrist and began unwrapping the bandages that covered the cuts. Stitches, six along each line. Looking at the stitches made it feel like something was trying to be freed from my skin but were held back behind bars… and so I began to cut the stitches up. I wasn’t going to make any new ones, no. I was just going to open the old ones back up, free them from these bars. After I cut the first stitch open, a small stream of blood appeared. I could feel tears forming behind my eyes, but nothing came out – no matter how hard I tried to release those tears, so I continued breaking the stitches hoping that the release of them would also help release my tears. </p>
<p>At some point, I guess Kageyama noticed I wasn’t in bed anymore and came to find me because I heard a soft knock on the door. </p>
<p>“Hi-Hinata?” I was shocked at first, I wasn’t sure how I would explain this. I couldn’t let him see this… not again…</p>
<p>“Ha, uh, Kageyama, sorry I had to use the restroom” please believe me…</p>
<p>“Uh, okay. Just don’t be too long okay?” There was hesitance in his voice, I could tell he didn’t believe me. </p>
<p>I let out a sigh as I thought I heard Kageyama walking away and then suddenly as the last stitch tore, all of my tears began to flow, there was no way I could stop them anymore. I was sobbing, and there was nothing quiet about them, which meant even if he was back in my room, Kageyama heard every cry. </p>
<p>“Hinata… can I come in?” The sadness in his voice felt like a knife in my chest.</p>
<p>“N-no… not right now…” I don’t want him to see me like this again. </p>
<p>“Please let me in…” </p>
<p>“I-I can’t…” everything was beginning to go dark to me. </p>
<p>“Hinata, I will break this door open right now, you have to let me in…” He was serious now, crap.</p>
<p>Even through the tears, I was able to find the door and unlock it for Kageyama to come in. I figured it’d be pretty hard to explain to my mom why the bathroom door was broken so I didn’t have much of a choice. I looked back down afterward and waited for Kageyama to come in. When he did, I immediately felt his weight land on top of me. He had kneed in front of me on the floor and placed his arms around me pulling my head into his chest letting me cry into his shirt. Right after, he grabbed the blade from my hand and laid it away from me. </p>
<p>“Hinata, I knew something was wrong when you weren’t in bed anymore… Why didn’t you wake me up?” his voice soft, nothing more than a whisper. </p>
<p>I just kept crying; I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I had fought it for too long, even the day that I almost died, the tears only swelled in my eyes, but they were never able to flow. This is everything I’ve been holding in. </p>
<p>“Shhhhh, Hinata. It’s okay, I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.” That was the last thing I remember being said while sitting on the bathroom floor. </p>
<p>The next thing I know, the alarm is going off and Kageyama has his arms wrapped around my waist, blocking a way off the bed. I turn around to look at him, but his grip on my waist never loosened. </p>
<p>“Kageyama? Th-the alarm is going off. It’s time for morning practice.” I can’t get out of bed until you do Kageyama so move it! </p>
<p>“Five more minutes…” his sleepy voice was cute, but this situation is a bit strange. </p>
<p>I reached over him to hit the snooze button on my alarm clock and that’s when I noticed that my arm was bandaged up again. He must have done that when I was asleep, hm…</p>
<p>“Kageyama, we’re going to be late for morning practice…” I don’t care if I can’t play right now, I want nothing more than to try to get back to normal. </p>
<p>“Hinata…” Kageyama’s voice was still low, “can’t… lose…you…” WAIT. What did he say? I know what he said at the hospital, but I must be missing something; he was probably saying that he can’t lose to me in volleyball or something, right? </p>
<p>“Let’s go, Kageyama. It’s time for practice.” I shook him as hard as I could. I wonder if he always has a hard time getting up like this.</p>
<p>“Huh?” He finally opened his eyes and glanced over at the clock, “Oh, okay.” Kageyama finally got out of bed, it was slow and sluggish, but at least he was getting up. </p>
<p>Once he was finally awake, it only took us about 15 or 20 minutes to get ready and then head up the hill to practice. Since I had Kageyama with me, I just walked with my bike up the hill with him. It definitely took us a while longer to get up the hill versus when I rode my bike, but that was fine. It was kind of nice to take it slow for once. </p>
<p>After we finally arrived at practice, I walked into the gym and sat to the side so I wouldn’t get in the way. I can’t play right now but I can at least be here until then. As everyone arrived ready to play, they all greeted me and checked on my condition. I told everyone I was fine but when Kageyama overheard I could feel the pressure from him about lying, as well as the sadness in his stare. He knew I wasn’t okay. I knew I wasn’t okay, but that doesn’t mean everyone needs to know I’m not okay.</p>
<p>Practice took place like usual. After being out for almost over a week, it was actually a bit relaxing to watch everyone play again, but it was difficult that I couldn’t be out there with them. Maybe this leave has caused my enjoyment of the sport to come back after I had lost it… </p>
<p>During classes, I had to explain to my classmates why I was out for so long, thankfully no one from the team told them anything, so I just told them that I had the flu. They all said they were glad that I was feeling better and then we went through the day. It was pretty hard having to sit through classes though, my mind wandered so much throughout the lessons and it definitely did not wander to positive things. </p>
<p>
  <em>The team is disappointed in you, you’re worthless now. Do you think they’ll put you back on the starting line after the stunt you pulled? Your scars will be an embarrassment. It doesn’t matter how high you can jump; you’ll never be the best in volleyball. You don’t have a chance in this game. You don’t have friends. Kageyama hates you. He looks at you like you’re beneath him. Why did your attempt fail…? Why did YOU fail?</em>
</p>
<p>It was always like that, my mind. I used to be so good at keeping these negative thoughts out, I used to be able to stay positive no matter what happened to me, but lately… lately it’s been nothing but negativity. I still try pretty hard to fight these thoughts, but it’s like I become numb to the environment around me, and nothing I do to fight it works anymore. The doctors said the medication will take about a month to really start helping me, but will I make it that long? </p>
<p>-	Lunchtime   -</p>
<p>Usually, Kageyama and I eat lunch together, but I think I’m going to head to the roof to get some air today. After deciding that, I took off for the roof to make sure that I didn’t run into him. </p>
<p>As I walked out the door to the roof, I was met with a strong gust of wind. It took my breath away for a moment before I got my grounding. I leaned against the wall looking over the campus, it was upon a pretty high hill, so the view was actually beautiful. It made me forget all my worries for a moment, but those moments never last long.</p>
<p>~Kageyama: BOKE where are you?<br/>
~Hinata: eating lunch<br/>
~Kageyama: BOKE WHERE?<br/>
~Hinata: sorry. Just need a moment to myself<br/>
~Kageyama: … okay…</p>
<p>I sat down against the wall and finished my lunch until it was time to go back to class. I took a deep breath and headed back, around this time I’d usually sneak off to the bathroom to release whatever emotion I was fighting that day with a pencil sharpener, but I’m fighting every urge I have. I know that the team will be watching me… maybe that just means I need to find a better hiding place. Whatever that doesn’t matter right now, I decide, I need to get back to class and fight off this urge.</p>
<p>-	At afternoon practice   -<br/>
I still can’t play, the doctor said that until my stitches dissolve my wounds aren’t healed enough for strenuous activity and might break open during a receive so I’m still on the bench. Hopefully, it won’t be too much longer because little did anyone but Kageyama know, I already ripped my stitches out. Maybe I’ll come in tomorrow and show the team that they’re gone, and they’ll let me play. It’s a good plan, but would Kageyama tell the team on me? I hope not. </p>
<p>“Alright guys, we have a practice match tomorrow after classes so make sure you bring your gear” Coach Ukai announced at the end of practice. “Since Hinata is still healing, we’re going to have Narita fill in for him as middle blocker.” Coach… Please… I need to play… “Now get some sleep you guys and eat dinner!”</p>
<p>Shit, I can’t do anything. There goes my plan to play tomorrow, even if I were to tell them my stitches were gone, there’s no way they’d allow me to play in the game, we’re facing Date Tech after all. I’m starting to feel like I can’t do anything at all. After everyone grabbed their stuff from the club room, we all began walking home. I tried not to act suspicious, but I wanted nothing more than to get home so that I could break down, however things were clearly not going to go my way.</p>
<p>“Hinata, I’m coming over today” </p>
<p>“Uh, s-sorry Kageyama but I think you should go home tonight” Please Kageyama, let me be tonight. I’m not going to overdo it, but I need to feel some sort of release. </p>
<p>“No, I already told my mom. I’m staying over. Plus, I know your mom isn’t home this week, so I’m staying until she gets back.” There was no waiver in his voice, he was serious and there was nothing I could do to change his mind. </p>
<p>“O-okay Kageyama.” UGH, I could scream if that wouldn’t give away every feeling and plan that I had created, and that had been ruined. He doesn’t care that I need some time alone after being surrounded by people all day, and at the hospital. He doesn’t care how I’m actually feeling. He doesn’t care... I’m exhausted, worn down, I could collapse right now, but I have to keep it all together for the team. I have to keep it together, so they don’t get tired of me, so they don’t get rid of me, or sick of me being… well sick. </p>
<p>Once we separated from the team, our walk was silent most of the way, however right before we got to my house, Kageyama began walking really close to me, and then he brushed his hand against mine. It caught me pretty off guard, honestly because I was lost in my mind trying to find a way to be alone. I looked up at him and noticed that his face was really red, I didn’t quite understand why he seemed so embarrassed if it was an accident but then when he grabbed my hand, I realized that it wasn’t an accident, and I began to get just as red as he was. As we walked into the house, he released my hand, and the sudden loss of warmth made the coldness in the air intensify. We made ourselves something to eat and grabbed a drink and then we headed to my room to work on the work I missed. We worked quietly until Kageyama broke the silence.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. The good and the bad</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Hinata?” I looked up at him expecting him to be looking back, but he was still staring at his homework. </p><p>“Yes?” I averted my eyes from him, if he couldn’t look me in the eyes, I can’t even imagine what this is going to be about.</p><p>“Um, promise to tell me the truth? Please?” I’m not interested in what he’s about to ask, I know it can’t be anything good. </p><p>“S-sure.” I let out a small sigh afterward, trying to fight the tightness in my chest. </p><p>“Um, well… I have a couple of things to ask… but um… first I’ll start with how you are feeling? You avoided me during lunch and that made me really worry about you…” </p><p>“Oh, sorry about that Kageyama. I just needed to get some air to clear my head so I stepped outside for lunch” That the truth, but I also had other things on my mind so I can’t tell him I went to the roof. </p><p>“Okay… but you didn’t answer the other question. How are you feeling?” How am I feeling, what an annoying question. I can feel my chest tightening, my breathing shallow and my surroundings are becoming numb, senseless. I can’t sense anything around me and it’s suffocating.</p><p>“Oh, I guess I’ve been better, but it’s okay.” Believe me. </p><p>“Hinata, I can tell that you’re not okay, your breathing is off and the look in your eyes show that you’re scared…” When did you get so good at reading people? Damnit Sugawara, why are you such a good teacher.</p><p>“Do… do you really want me to be honest with you?” Don’t say yes, I don’t want to see the look on your face when I tell you how I feel. </p><p>“That’s the only way I can figure out how to help you… Have you been taking your antidepressants?” </p><p>“Uh, yeah. I’ve been taking them, they make me feel really weird, but I don’t think they’ve fully started working yet either… I really want to stop taking them… but the doctor said to give them a month and it’s only been a week so um… so, how I’ve been feeling…” my words caught in my throat, “I’m – I’m not okay.” I give him a really weak smile. “I still wish I was gone. During classes I sit there thinking about how worthless I am, in school and volleyball, and that I should give suicide another shot. Maybe this time I’ll succeed? I’ve got to be good at something right? I can’t even take my own life properly the first time.” I felt a tear slowly fall from my face but I still held that weak smile from the beginning, “I’ve been wracking my brain to find a good place to harm myself again without anyone noticing but given I change in front of you guys, it’s pretty hard to find a spot to do that… and then I also really don’t want to do it anywhere but my wrist because it always feels so good when I do it there, so much better than anywhere else.”</p><p>“Hina-”</p><p>“I feel as though my senses have become numb; I can’t feel my surroundings. I don’t even feel this pen that I know I’m holding. It’s just numbness, that’s… that’s why I want to hurt myself so badly. I just want to feel something, literally anything.” I looked down at my hand and the pen in it, twirling it in my fingertips, “Even if it is pain, it’s better than feeling nothing.” By this point, I was crying, but even the hot tears streaming down my face felt as though they made my skin even more numb than before. I couldn’t feel the heat of my face or the wetness of the tears, it just tingled as though my whole body had fallen asleep, leaving my wind awake. </p><p>As I continued on trying to explain to Kageyama how I felt, I suddenly felt his weight and warmth surround me and I stopped spewing words, looked up at him, and just cried. He didn’t even say anything, he just squeezed me tighter and tighter until I stopped crying. However, as soon as I realized my tears stopped, I noticed others fall onto my hand. Kageyama was crying? How did I not notice the unevenness of his breathing? The hiccups on my chest? I was only focused on myself… so selfish…</p><p>“Kage-Kageyama, why… why are you crying?” </p><p>“Hinata you idiot. I’m crying because I’m sad. I’m crying because I want you to be able to feel happiness again and I don’t know how to do that. I miss the Hinata I fell in love with. Of course, I still love you, I always will but it just hurts so much seeing you like this” his tears fell harder as he choked out his words. </p><p>“You… you love me… Kageyama?” What was he saying? He’s just mistaking his words. You know, I’m not worthy of his love. </p><p>“Yes Hinata, I LOVE you. I was planning on telling you that night… the night that you attempted… that’s why I wanted to stay with you for the weekend, but then…” he paused mid-sentence, “and then I realized that I almost lost you and I never want to be in that situation again, so so I need you to know just how much I love you. How much I care about you.”</p><p>I turned my head to look at him. I was in shock. I wasn’t expecting this, what do I say back?</p><p>“Don’t. Don’t think you have to say anything back or confess to me now. You have so much on your mind that this isn’t something you need to worry about right now, I just wanted you to know that I’m here for you and that I love you” He sniffled at the end of his sentence and began to let me out of his hug. I turned my body completely in order to be able to see him. I saw his skin, red and blotchy, his eyes bloodshot, all from crying over me. I put him in pain. I never wanted anyone else to share the pain that I felt, that’s why I tried so hard to keep quiet about it, to never explain the feelings I held inside. Yet here I was, explaining it to Kageyama and putting him in pain. </p><p>I suck.</p><p>I’m horrible. </p><p>I lowered my head; I couldn’t face the pain that I put him in anymore. I retreated back to the horrible numbness, the senselessness of my surroundings, I deserve to feel this suffering after putting someone else through pain. That was… until Kageyama put his hand on my cheek and raised my head to look at him. That’s when I realized, his weight, his pressure, his heat… was the only thing I could feel. Each time I began to spiral, his weight and body heat was what brought me out of it. After this realization, I looked up at him, to his blueberry eyes filled with sadness, and lunged into his arms. I nuzzled my face into his chest as he wrapped his arms around my back and then nestled his head against the top of mine. This was the first time since my attempt that I was actually able to truly feel my surroundings. No… no, it wasn’t the first time, but it was the first time I realized it. </p><p>“I don’t know how I can help you, but I’m always going to be there for you Hinata…” Kageyama’s voice was a whisper, so quiet that I almost couldn’t hear him.</p><p>“Th-thank you Kageyama…” it was really nice to finally feel something, but I knew that this feeling would only last as long as I was alone with him. We couldn’t do this in front of other people. </p><p>“Hey, let’s call it a night. Okay?” I looked at the clock, 9:00 pm, I didn’t realize how late it had gotten. </p><p>“Okay…” I started to pull away from him and I could feel my surroundings disappear again. </p><p>“This time, you’re sleeping against the wall. I know your tricks.” Ugh, guess there’s no getting out of this one. </p><p>“Okay Kageyama…” we changed into our pajamas and climbed into bed. </p><p>“Hey, do you have an extra phone charger?” he asked as he opened my bedside drawer.</p><p>“Wa-WAIT!” It was too late. He opened the draw. No one really entered my room beside Natsu so I wasn’t too careful with hiding everything I used to make myself feel something, blades were not the only tool in my arsenal.</p><p>“Are… are these cigarettes Hinata? Have you been smoking…?” Shit, that’s something I’ve been trying to hide even more than my blades. It wasn’t something I was exactly proud of, nor something I really even enjoyed, but it helped me avoid cutting sometimes. The tightness from the smoke and the bitter taste they left elevated my suffering just enough to avoid using my blades for a little each time. “You, you can’t do that Hinata… they’re so bad for you…” I know Kageyama, dang it, <i> I know </i>. I sat there silent, with my head lowered. Please don’t make me feel any worse than I already do, I didn’t want you or anyone to find out. “Oh… okay. We’ll worry about this at another time. Just, please don’t smoke these anymore. For me?” He placed the cigarettes back in my drawer and closed it. I couldn’t bring myself to look him in the eyes still, so I just laid down with my back to him and covered my face with the blanket. </p><p>“Hinata…” again with his whisper voice. “I love you,” he said as he wrapped his arms tightly around me. I let out a soft sigh of relief as I began to feel my surroundings again. </p><p>“Kageyama… um, y-you know how I said that my surroundings feel numb like I’ve lost all the senses in my body?” </p><p>“mhm.” </p><p>“Um, when… when you touch me… I can feel my surroundings again… I can feel the heat off your body. It’s, um, it’s comforting. Uh, thank you…” the words were hard to get out, but I was glad I did because he held me tighter in his arms.</p><p>“I’ll figure out a way to make you feel like this even when we aren’t alone. I promise” I felt a small kiss on the back of my head. It sent shivers down my spine. I always knew I had a close connection with Kageyama, and I knew that it went deeper than just friends. However, I always thought that it was just a rivalry, a push to become better in volleyball, but I’m starting to realize that those feelings might have been overshadowed by a different connection. With that realization, I drifted off to sleep. </p><p>After that night, my days eventually became better. Kageyama found ways to help me feel grounded even when he wasn’t able to be around me – I’d wear one of his shirts and the weight of the larger size and the smell of him helped. When I’d have panic attacks, Kageyama and others on the team actually learned ways to help me calm down so I wasn’t really ever alone anymore. I had actually had a really nice few weeks, things were looking up for me finally. </p><p>Well, that’s how I felt at the moment of course, but that was too good to be true. After about three weeks of good days, we were having a practice match against Aboa Joshei. However, I was having a bad day, I tried all the usual coping mechanisms, but nothing was working today. I tried to figure out what reason I had for having such a bad day, but other than it just being a game against the Great King, I couldn’t find anything. I was controlling my thoughts until I missed a perfectly good spike, and then after I lost all control and my mind began spiraling, and I kept missing. I missed receives, I missed spikes, blocks, I couldn’t even jump high enough to do our quick attack. At first, the guys and Kageyama were really nice about it, even when I asked couch to be subbed out, they told me not to worry about it and to keep fighting out there, so I had to go back in. That was until I missed the last spike that would have given us the upper hand finally. After that, Aboa Joshei won and Kageyama finally let out all the anger he’s been suppressing for me the last few weeks. </p><p>“BOKE HINATA BOKE. I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU COULDN’T GET THAT. MY SET WAS PERFECT, THERE AS NO REASON FOR YOU TO MISS THAT. DAMNIT HINATA.” I know you’re just mad because it was against Oikawa but… please…</p><p>“Kageyama… calm down…” Sugawara tried to help me; he could see that something was wrong. “Hinata, are you okay?” I looked at him with shaky eyes, no I’m not alright. Can’t you see that the senses I was slowly regaining are leaving me quicker than a blink of an eye. </p><p>“I don’t understand Hinata, after everything we’ve done for you. You still aren’t back in your top shape? I don’t know what else you expect us to do boke.” I looked at Kageyama with shaky eyes, when did this happen? Where did this come from? I know he used to yell at me before everything that happened, but he’s been so nice since then. Was everything a lie just to get me to play at top form again? When… when he told me he loved me? Was that a lie? I don’t understand anything that’s going on right now. </p><p>“Kageyama, I think that’s enough. It was just a practice game.” Daichi stepped in, and that’s when Kageyama began to realize everything he just said. It wasn’t that he was trying to be mean, he just let out his frustrations like he used to. He just forgot to hold them back, and while I might have been able to take them back then, I can’t handle them anymore. The look on Kageyama’s face was that of fear. He realized what he did, and it was clear he regretted it.</p><p>“Hinata… I’m-” I didn’t care what he was going to say. He might have regretted what he said, but at least I know how he truly felt. So, I grabbed my bag and ran. I ran as fast and as far as I could to get away from him and the team. It took everything in me to get my legs moving, but once I did there was no stopping me. I only stopped once I made it to a park, I wasn’t even sure of how far I had run by that point, but I couldn’t see Aboa Johsei’s campus anymore, so pretty far I thought. I sat underneath a tree and cried. I hadn’t cried in almost three weeks, so I let every and any built-up emotion flow from my eyes. </p><p>What Kageyama had said was true, they did everything for me. He and the team worked so hard to get me grounded, to bring me back to the world, and yet I still couldn’t manage to do anything in a practice match. There’s no way they could let me play in an actual match. </p><p>I reached into my bag and pulled out one of my blades. It might have been a few weeks since I last used it, but I never traveled anywhere without it… just in case. I pulled my shorts up and traced a finger along the lines of old scars that still lingered and then began to draw new ones. </p><p>This whole time my phone was buzzing off the hook. The entire team was trying to reach me. I didn’t care. No. I didn’t feel like being around them right now. I took a deep breath and let out a sigh, then I placed the blade in the outside pocket of my bookbag and began to climb the tree I was resting under. It wasn’t too hard to get up and had a good spot to sit in. With the fullness of its leaves even if the team did happen to make their way to the park, they wouldn’t see me unless they looked up. Once I made my way up, I hung my bag on a branch and then grabbed the blade out again and held it in my hand. After that, I grabbed my phone and looked at the messages that were still coming in.</p><p>“Hinata where are you?” Daichi.<br/>“Hinata, please let us know where you are. We’re worried” Sugawara. <br/>“Shrimpy stop hiding” Tsukishima.<br/>“I’m sorry Hinata…” Kageyama.</p><p>And they just kept coming, from everyone in the team. Most of the incoming were just text messages, but just now a missed called from Kageyama, and here comes another. I wasn’t sure if I should answer. I’m still mad at him, I still feel his disappointment. I waited pretty long before I answered. </p><p>“Hinata…” his voice was soft.</p><p>“Hm”</p><p>“Wh… where are you” </p><p>“Doesn’t matter. You guys can go home without me.” Please leave me alone Kageyama.</p><p>“No, we can’t Hinata…” his words sounded choked through the phone.</p><p>“Park. Bye.” I hung up. I don’t want to see them; I don’t want to go home with them. Be suffocated by their disappointment in me. I lost us the game, everyone tried so hard, but I failed us. </p><p>I put my phone back into my bag and began fumbling with my blade again. I can’t do it on my wrist anymore, people are looking too closely, but there are other places. My thigh for instance is my second favorite place to add marks to, so I added a few more there than I did before. After adding five more lines, I heard a bunch of movement around the park. Once I realized what was going on, I began to hear my name being yelled. </p><p>“Hinata!? Are you here?” Sugawara. <br/>“Hinata, please. Where are you?” Yachi.</p><p>They scurried around the park looking in every nook and cranny that the park had, but even as they passed back and forth underneath the tree, they never thought about looking up. I thought they were finally going to leave until I saw Kageyama collapse onto his knees.</p><p>“DAMNIT. DAMNIT. DAMNIT.” He punched the ground and then buried his face in his hands, “I thought he would be here. He said “park” this is the closest park to the Aboa Johsei campus. Where is he?” he paused for a moment and then choked out, “I did this… it’s my fault.” </p><p>Sugawara walked over to Kageyama and laid a hand on his back, ‘Kageyama, we’re going to find him and then you can apologize properly. You were frustrated, and you ended up taking it out on him. It’s okay.” I watched for a few minutes as Kageyama cried into his hands until he finally stood back up.</p><p>“Okay, Let's go find him. I won’t stop until I do.” I saw the look in his tear-filled eyes, he was determined to find me. I knew it. So, I held the blade in my hand and grabbed my bag getting ready to jump down. When I landed the blade dug a little deeper into my hand. The whole team looked over at me with wide eyes.</p><p>“Hi-HINATA!” Kageyama screamed my name as he pulled me into his arms. It was one of the tightest hugs I think I had ever been in, but my surroundings were still dull and the heat he once supplied had fallen cold. “Damnit Hinata. I was so worried about you.” As he cried into my shoulder, I gripped the blade harder. I was still hurt; I still couldn’t stop the spiraling of my mind even with him holding me in his arms… my surroundings were still gone, why weren’t they coming back? I knew how he really felt, frustrated or not those were his true feelings. I couldn’t avoid that fact, that to him and the rest of the team… I am worthless now. </p><p>I didn’t hug him back, and he noticed, so he pulled away to look at me. I can’t tell you what he saw, but I know that the look in my eyes made his sobs stop for the first time since he fell to the ground. Could he see that I wasn’t there anymore? That everything he worked hard to repair for me had disappeared? Probably, but the numbness in my body wouldn’t allow me to care anymore, I was empty. I squeezed my hand harder and harder, even if it was just the blood dripping from my hand, the pain that sprouted from my hand and thigh along with the wetness of the blood dripping was all I could feel anymore. </p><p>“Hinata, you’re bleeding!” Sugawara called out. </p><p>“Yeah, that’s all I can feel so,” I said to him dryly. He yelled at Kiyoko to get the first aid kit. She ran the kit over to Sugawara and he gently moved Kageyama out from in front of me so he could patch my hand. </p><p>“Hinata… your hand… please…” I held my hand out to Sugawara without opening it. I knew that the second I opened it, there would be more blood and that he wouldn’t give the blade back. The pressure was all that was keeping it from pouring out. “I need you to let me bandage it.” Sugawara was so good at keeping his voice soft and calm, so with that request, I opened my hand the reveal the blood-soaked blade as a puddle of blood gathered in my palm. I wasn’t looking at his face, but when his hand touched mine, I could feel them trembling. </p><p>“S… sorry Sugawara” He reached his hand out and patted my head.</p><p>“It’s okay Hinata, let’s just get you bandaged.” Then he began to bandage my hand.</p><p>Once he finished, he grabbed my bag and helped me up. “Let’s get onto the bus, okay? I had Takeda drive it over here so that you wouldn’t have to walk back to the campus.”</p><p>“Th-thanks.” I held my head down as I walked onto the bus trying to use my hair to hide my tears. I sat in the back row and laid my head against the window. </p><p>Today, was exhausting. I closed my eyes until I felt a shift in the seat next to me from the weight of someone sitting down next to me. It was Kageyama. I tried to ignore him; I kept my face away from him. My thoughts still spiraling, I had at least enough control to continue thinking one thought, ‘Please don’t speak to me.’ However, even though those thoughts were so loud to me, they clearly were not making it to Kageyama.</p><p>“Hinata…” I kept my face away from him. “Can I talk to you for a minute?” He was whispering, hoping that the others couldn’t hear, I assume.</p><p>“You can talk.”</p><p>“Okay, um-”</p><p>“Doesn’t mean I’ll listen.” </p><p>“Um… o-okay, well I’ll talk and if you want to listen… please do” still a whisper “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean what I said… I was just upset about losing the game…” </p><p>“You meant what you said” I replied to him.</p><p>“No… I… I didn’t Hinata” Even without looking at him, I could hear in his voice there were tears forming in his eyes, leaving a lump in his throat. “I was upset because we lost against Oikawa. It had nothing to do with you, I just slipped up, my mind went blank and I forgot about everything that had happened recently, that you weren’t able to throw back my frustrations at me anymore and put me in my place… I’m so sorry…” </p><p>I finally looked at him, but he was looking down to his lap, tears softly falling onto his hands that were balled into fists. Even though I’m still hurting, I can’t feel anything, and yet he can feel it all. He probably feels even more than his own pain, since he’s been sharing the burden of mine for all these weeks. </p><p>
  <i> Selfish.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Pathetic.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Burden. </i>
</p><p>That was all I could think about myself as I saw him crying next to me, and how could I be wrong? Because even though he’s sitting next to me crying, all I can think about is myself. </p><p>“Don’t worry about it Kageyama. I forgive you.”</p><p>When my words reached him, his head shot up, and looked at me. The tears filling his blueberry-colored eyes finding no end, he began to move toward me, in what I assumed a hug, and yet I still flinched. He stopped, lowered his hands back to his lap, and looked back down. So instead, I moved to hug him, he didn’t move. He just sat there still stifling his tears, so I adjusted myself into a position to where I could lean and hold onto him comfortably for the rest of the ride back. </p><p>Once we arrived, I had apparently fallen asleep after the emotion-packed trip, so I awoke to a subtle nudge from Kageyama. </p><p>“Hinata, we’re back at the school…” his voice was a raspy whisper. </p><p>“Oh… sorry for falling asleep,” my words came out emotionless. I stopped leaning on him and he stood up to begin getting off the bus. My eyes followed his movements, and so I followed. </p><p>The following day was Saturday, which in the last few weeks meant that Kageyama would either come over to my house to stay the weekend or I would go to his, but today he began to walk off to his bus stop without a word to me. </p><p>I watched him walking away when Sugawara came up behind me.</p><p>“I know you’re hurting Hinata, I understand that what he said to you was upsetting, but he really didn’t mean it.” He placed a hand on my head, “Go after him, you’ll regret it later if you don’t.” </p><p>I looked up at Sugawara and nodded my head, then without a word I ran after him. Once I caught up, I grabbed ahold of his arm and he stopped walking but didn’t look at me. </p><p>I took a deep breath and said, “Let’s go home together Kageyama.”</p><p>With that, he began walking and I followed with, not letting go of his arm for a moment. No words were exchanged between us for the entire trip to his house. </p><p>When we finally arrived, I texted my mom telling her I was staying with Kageyama this weekend and then thanked his parents for allowing me to stay. Kageyama grabbed some snacks and drinks and we walked back to his room, still no words being exchanged between us. </p><p>He sat down on the floor, leaning against his bed and I stood at the door watching him. Not daring to break the silence, no matter how suffocating it may be. After a few moments passed, I moved to sit next to him, I looked up at him and nudged his arm. His eyes finally met mine for the first time since we got off the bus, and they were still red and pained. Fighting back so many emotions that he had no idea how to cope with at the moment. </p><p>I looked back down at my lap, and he leaned his head back to look at the ceiling. I took a deep breath before I climbed over him to sit on his lap and then wrapped my arms around him, bringing his head to my chest. He hesitated for a moment and then grabbed onto the back of my shirt tightly and let all the emotions flow from his eyes. Silent but strong, full of pain. I wasn’t sure what to do, I didn’t want to hurt him anymore, but I also didn’t want him to suffer alone. So here I was, crying alongside him. </p><p>We stayed there for so long I lost track of time. Once both our sobs stopped, our grips on each other loosened and we separated from our hug, just looking at each other. I could tell what he wanted to say, so instead of forcing him to say it, I took the lead.</p><p>“I’m sorry…” </p><p>Kageyama looked back at me and repeated my words. A faint smile befell both our faces. </p><p>“Kageyama, I… I’m still not okay… and I honestly don’t know if I ever will be, the warmth that you used to give me disappeared today. I couldn’t feel my surroundings even when you were embracing me. And honestly, I think that scares me more than anything else… but I do know that even if I can’t feel my surroundings with your embrace, I don’t want to be around anyone else. I want us to be able to move past this moment…” I paused before continuing, “because Kageyama, I still don’t understand my feelings towards you, I don’t understand my feelings at all honestly, but I know I care about you and seeing you like this hurts me so badly…” </p><p>“I… I think I might love you Kageyama…” my breath caught in my chest as I said those words for the first time.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Rollercoasters</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When I woke up the next morning, Kageyama was already up and dressed. I looked at him slightly dazed and confused, still trying to shake off the sleep. </p>
<p>“Get up and get dressed. We have plans” was all I was met with when he noticed my gaze. So, I obliged. After over a month of staying at each other’s places, a lot of our clothes had ended up at the others house, so I grabbed some of my clean clothes from the drawer that had them carefully tucked away and got dressed. </p>
<p>As I pulled on my t-shirt, I asked where we were going. Yesterday was an emotionally charged day, and I’ve got to be honest, I’m not sure I’m really up for too much today. </p>
<p>“We’re going to have fun,” his smile was a bit crooked. Made me a bit worried honestly, but I wasn’t in the mood to argue. </p>
<p>Once we walked out of the house, he grabbed my hand and began to lead me to our destination. I tried to figure out clues from the road signs, but it didn’t click until we were right out front.</p>
<p>“Kageyama, is this where we were going?” I asked as I stared at the entrance of the amusement park. </p>
<p>His gaze lazily turned to me, “Yeah” was all he said before we walked in.</p>
<p>The amusement park was amazing, the food was delicious, the rides were thrilling, but the crowds were overwhelming. </p>
<p>We had cotton candy, Dango, and so many other foods I thought that I’d go into a food coma or maybe throw it all up. </p>
<p>The rides we rode didn’t help much either, I’ve never been scared of rollercoasters, but the way that these creaked and jerks on every turn, had me holding onto Kageyama for dear life. He didn’t quite seem to mind though. </p>
<p>I tried my hardest to avoid the most crowded areas of the park, but as the day got later and the fireworks neared, the roads flooded with more and more people. There was no avoiding it.</p>
<p>As we got pushed around in the crowd, I grabbed onto Kageyama’s arm and looked up at him pleadingly. If I stayed in this crowd anymore, I knew I would break down, it was becoming overwhelming. Without words being spoken, he turned around and we began walking away from the crowds. Once we escaped, I thought that we would eventually find a spot to sit down so we could enjoy the fireworks from in the back, maybe eat some more snacks. I struggled with eating my caramel apple walking after all, but we kept walking, and eventually, I found that we were, uh, hiking? </p>
<p>I’m gonna die, Kageyama is gonna kill me. Ha ha ha. Hiking to a secluded place, at night. I’m going to die. Ha ha ha.</p>
<p>“Um, Kageyama?” he looked back at me, as he continued dragging me up the mountain. </p>
<p>“What?” Even after the softness of the day we just spent, his voice was still a bit tense.</p>
<p>“You’re not going to, uh, y’know, kill me, right?” I scratched at my face and looked away from him whispering, “not that I’d really mind…”</p>
<p>He had stopped pulling me and turned around to face me. I could only tell because my gaze was focused on his shoes.</p>
<p>Kageyama sighed, “Listen, this is rhetorical, so please do not be upset by it.” He paused, seemingly waiting for an answer from me, so I shook my head. “Are you stupid?” </p>
<p>I rolled my eyes, “You’re taking me to a dark secluded place, where there’s hardly anyone here and you won’t tell me where?”</p>
<p>He paused for a moment, then his hand moved to lift my chin to look at him. “Hinata, I’m taking you somewhere special. Don’t worry, you’re safe with me.”</p>
<p>I looked at the way his eyes softened when he said I was safe with him, so I nodded and let him lead me wherever we were headed. </p>
<p>After a few more minutes, we arrived at a mountainside that overlooked the amusement park. It was beautiful, lights filled the skyline, pinks, yellows, greens, and blues, everywhere you could look. “Kageyama, this…. Is beautiful… how? How’d you find this place?” </p>
<p>“Before…” Kageyama looked out at the lights before he continued, “before my grandfather passed, he would bring my older sister and me here. We would come every summer, to watch the fireworks.” As he finished his sentence, he sat down near the edge of the cliff. I walked over next to him and looked down. It was a far drop, easily an instant death. </p>
<p>My head got dizzy, the ground beneath me began to spin. I closed my eyes to stop the spinning and took a few steps away from the ledge. Once I opened my eyes back up, the spinning had stopped, and I took a seat a safe difference away from the ledge as well as from Kageyama. He looked back at me, a questioning look on his face.</p>
<p>“Sorry Kageyama, it’s too… uh, I don’t know the word, um, tempting?” Panic overcame his face. </p>
<p>“Hinata, we can go!” He scrambled to get up and move towards me. I grabbed his arm and pulled him down next to me. </p>
<p>“No, Kageyama, let’s stay. I just need to stay back here. I want to watch the fireworks,” I paused, looking down at my hands and then reaching for his, “with you. Please?” </p>
<p>He held my hand with both of his and looked at me, “Okay, we’ll stay. If it gets too much-”</p>
<p>“I’ll tell you,” I said cutting him off. He nodded. </p>
<p>We sat waiting for the fireworks to begin, hand in hand. The cool breeze flowing over every inch of exposed skin and seeping through the fabric of our clothing. As it got later, I scooted closer to Kageyama in an attempt to steal some of Kageyama’s body heat. He noticed at drew me closer. </p>
<p>Just as I looked up at him, the sky filled with lights followed by a loud ‘boom’. Both our heads whipped around to look at them. The world was silent other than the reverberating sounds that followed the fireworks. </p>
<p>I watched as Kageyama reminisced in the memories that this filled him with, as his eyes reflected the lights. He looked serene, more so than I have ever seen him on a volleyball court, and as the explosions of lights came to an end, his gaze returned to mine. </p>
<p>“Hinata…” He whispered as his face lingered close to mine. </p>
<p>“Kageyama?” His hand softened around my cheek. Eyes flicking to my lips and back to my eyes. </p>
<p>“Uh... may I?” His breath tickled my nose as I slowly nodded yes.</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>